I know reality is kicking in when the focus is off me ... that's why addiction is so attractive ... we can honestly say to ourselves it gets the focus off me ... this job this drug this porn this bet this dying religion ... I would tell you rather I had it all under control but the good old priest is right ... what is it he calls them tempers and states of mind that god only knows them and we we can't control them ... hard enough I find it to adjust to them to predict them to tell the truth about them when they're gone ... the author I admired but didn't go back to ... the era the event the people the idea ... the books ... the books that made us real ... where are they all now ... pretty much where I left them I suppose ... everywhere and nowhere wherever my memory can touch them ... but with them all my temper my mood my state of mind ... slipped past me when I didn't pay attention ... back to where they came from ... back to where I hope to follow 1/2
john henry cardinal newman, against the liberals, roman catholic books 1978, p184
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