BETWEEN NIGHT AND DAY EXPECTANT

I have an interest sometimes passionate in all kinds of things ... in truth in war in mental inquiry and sex ... in the universe and jokes ... in history in general ... but I don't know god ... I use words like a and the and the forms of be constantly but of their father in thought and idea I do not think ... and in the daytime when I keep myself busy especially at leisure I think this sin of omission less heavy than venial ... but at night when I should be sleeping and sometimes when I am I'm horrified by that kind of day ... a day so effective at blotting up that kind of horror ... so there I am between night and day with the wheels round me constantly spinning but all the cogs in my hand because I will not think of god ... but even the madman that I am hears the hum behind the voices ... the motor of desire revving up wanting the gear to engage ... soon they must send the repairman and when he finds the cogs in my hand and sees what I have done god forbid he must write me a prescription ... how it has been my desire to die peacefully in my sleep before that could be done ... before he writes my name and gives me meaning