THE DEEP AMBIVALENCE IN BEING BORN

we were given life ... we hear a person say he saved a life or another say she gave birth ... but when we hear it said of people that they gave their lives we mean that they lost them ... no one says that they gave themselves life because no one thinks it's true ... unless they need treatment ... but we don't act the way we think ... we act as if we gave ourselves being ... but because action is never completely divorced from deep thought there are always times when we act indecisively as if we no longer gave ourselves complete being ... perhaps we begin to reason there is a call behind us for we seem to have turned our backs against it ... perhaps the implications we suspected and feared are finally in that call ... and perhaps through the panic of the racing heart we hear as well a far and deep relief ... and then perhaps we're told it was a mistake a false positive profuse apologies ... and we turn away from the call again ... now we reason heading in the right direction ... but we know the sound was in our ear and from time to time we hear it say if you go that way again and will not return there is everything you will lose except life