this I that's me I can't remember when it first began ... but I find he's hired a score of staff maybe more ... clerks with messages it seems more to them than to me ... so I now sit with the calculator in a backroom upstairs trying together to figure the first one out ... out meaning simply not here now ... gone ... but to others not to myself ... their gone continues while mine will not return ... my gone used to return is in a new sense of now ... elsewhere ... never to return ... and I have gone with it and now I go with my chances ... perchance to meet with what I deserve ... the discomfort or distress the horror or the peace the end ... for either the calculator or for me ... or my perpetual confinement ... or my reward ... neither the calculator nor I can figure out what it must be not to be ... doesn't seem to be a corner we could handle on it so it's only natural to go on instead and figure a new life ... you might get a handle on that ... a new life a resurrection ... and where do we get this natural hubris ... must be in the genes or the chemicals the gift the grace of endorphic hope
endorph = the drug the brain makes which when released precludes panic with calm
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